Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I could make wine with my vomit
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
