:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
