I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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