i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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