This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
