when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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