Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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