I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
