if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize