I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
How naked do you want me to be?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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