and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
