It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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