i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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