no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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