if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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