So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We have started to decorate penises.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
