Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
