Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
