Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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