woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
