I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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