apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
