if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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