my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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