Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
