If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
