Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
