Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
