I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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