You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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