Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The best revenge is premature balding
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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