Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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