I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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