we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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