Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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