I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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