Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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