Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
