Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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