Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize