I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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