Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
