textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
