i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
