Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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