he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
