cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
