1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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