It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
