the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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