I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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