Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
