I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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