I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
