One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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