everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
