I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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