remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
