My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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